FORGIVENESS; A NON -NEGOTIABLE FOR WHOLESOMENESS by Dr Seun Olabode
Written by Sunny Unachi on 9th May 2025
FORGIVING YOUR HANDLERS AND YOURSELF.
Every child has several handlers on their growth journey and you are not exempted from this reality. A child handler is saddled with the responsibility of the welfare, training, management or supervision of the child , as the case may be.
At a younger age, we tend to be more vulnerable and trusting, this makes hurts , pain and disappointments leave indelible marks on our hearts and emotions , especially if such occurences were repeatedly experienced.
The hurt might be from our biological parent(s) who are either ignorant of proper parenting skills , transferred aggression borne out of their own personal struggles, or just literally uncaring. It could also be from other family members ( siblings or extended families ) taking advantage of our ignorance or trust to behave in ways that are unbecoming to our healthy physical, mental or emotional development. Teachers, baby sitters, friends, spiritual figures etc, could have inflicted their own hurt on us intentionally or unintentionally during our process of growth and development. All these painful and disappointing experiences among other things over a period of time determines how we view the world around us and how we feel about people. How significant the emotional pain inflicted on us by any of our handlers was can precipitate us taking the disposition of unforgiveness towards such a person; It can drive us to the point where we could decide not to have anything ever again to do with such a person or persons. This stance of unforgiveness is often taken because many victims of hurt and pain believe that offering forgiveness is to the advantage of the person who caused them pain, however in reality, forgiveness benefits the offended more than the offender.
Many of the handlers that caused us pains are often ignorant of the gravity of the damage they did to us. It is the victim that gets to live with the pain, the emotional scars and the unwholesomeness such experiences introduce into our outlook to life, hence forgiveness is about releasing ourselves from the bitterness, pains and damages inflicted on us psychologically. It is choosing to walk away and freeing ourselves from the chains that link us to the horrors of our pasts, in order to walk into new opportunities and redefine who we turn out to be more intentionally.
At other times, during the process of maturation, we sometimes make some erroneous decisions that has caused us pains and hurts, some wrong steps taken might even have brought some major setbacks into the course of our lives and some people might find it difficult to forgive themselves of that wrong step they took that led into that unpleasant predicament. It is believed that human beings are of different personalities and some personality types tend to internalise pains, be more critical of themselves or more unforgiven than others. In this case, rather than holding a person to heart as the source of our pains, they are self-accusing and this can affect their self esteem or the confidence with which they confront other future endeavours.
If we will walk free of the pains of the past and be empowered to face the future , we must learn to forgive. We must forgive others of the pain they inflicted on us consciously or unconsciously and also forgive ourselves of the wrong choices we made. I hear someone say, “forgive? , you don’t have an idea of what i went through”. It is true, i might not have had an idea of what you had to endure , but if you refuse to let the past go, you will continue to be imprisoned by it. Forgiving the past is the pathway to genuine freedom. Let me quickly make this clear, forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness is a must for your wellbeing while reconciliation is a choice, it is dependent on certain factors. E.g Genuine repentance, the implications of a reoccurrence of such an incidence on life and welfare.
There are medically proven and biblically validated reasons why opting for forgiveness is in the best interest of the offended.
According to a hopkinsmedicine.org research , being hurt, disappointed and chronic anger predisposes the body to numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune responses. This could result in increased risk of depression, heart diseases and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness is however said to heap rewards to health, lowering the risk of heart attack; improving cholesterol levels and sleep; and reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression and stress.
Another research from The Master’s University emphasised that, “as long as you fail to forgive an offender, you are shackled to the past. Unforgiveness keeps that pain alive. Unforgiveness never lets that wound heal, and you go through life reminding yourself of what was done to you, stirring up that pain and making yourself progressively angrier. You go through life accumulating bad feelings”.
An empirical studies reported by the National Institute of Health have shown that forgiveness decreases anger, anxiety, and depression and increases self-esteem and hopefulness for the future.
You will agree with me that the above research confirms the act of forgiveness as being more in the interest of the person offering the forgiveness than the one who is the beneficiary of it.
From the biblical view point, offering forgiveness is a prerequisite to receiving divine forgiveness. ( Mark 11 : 25 , Matthew 6 : 14) . It is also a key factor to the acceptance of our gifts and offerings to God ( Matthew 5 : 23 – 24) . It is making a statement that the person has really submitted to God’s kind of lifestyle and is a child of God indeed ( Matthew 5 : 9 ). It makes room for new and better experiences ( Acts 3:19 ). Forgiveness is a biblical instruction or command ( Colossians 3:13 ; Matthew 18 : 21 -22 ).
No matter what the past was like, forgiveness is the way to go.
If I am to forgive, how do I protect myself? Is the phrase ,” forgive and forget” realistic? How do I move beyond my past after forgiving ? … Watch out for the second part of this write-up.
Dr Seun Olabode
Pastor, Professional relationship and marriage coach
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