FORGIVENESS; A NON-NEGOTIABLE FOR WHOLESOMENESS. (Part 2 ).

I ended the previous write-up on this discussion of forgiveness with the questions

“If I am to forgive, how do I protect myself?  Is the phrase, ‘ forgive and forget’ realistic? How do I move beyond my pain after forgiving  ?” This writing will address these questions and much more, put on your learning cap and lets dive in.

Forgive and forget.  Kiss and make up/ kiss and say goodbye.

Forgive and forgive is a statement often used to encourage the offended person let go of the matter.  Forgive…..YES ! But Forget …..NO!

To forget as many imply when they use the word “Forget “ is not to remember that incident again. If this definition of forgetting is adopted, then, we have a medical condition on our hands. To forget in this manner will mean that the brain is formatted or malfunctioning, a condition medically referred to as Amnesia or Dementia as the case may be.   What is really expected when you are told to forget a wrong is letting go of the sting, pain and bitterness attached to a particular unpleasant occurrence and releasing the offender from your heart, such that you do not wish for any form of retribution or ill to the offender when you remember the incident or see the offender.

Many interpret forgiveness as, “ Kiss and make up “ which suggests that once you forgive a person, things should go back to how it had always been between you, but that is not always correct. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation. Sometimes, you may need to forgive and give yourselves some space afterwards.  There are different approaches to forgiveness as seen in the Scriptures, depending on certain factors and the uniqueness of the offence . This includes :

-The attitude of the offender ( e.g. repentant, gas lighting, aggressive, deflecting). – The implication of the reoccurrence of such offence on human life or the existence of an institution ( e.g.  extreme physical assault or battery,  exposure of institutional trade secrets, attempt murder or assassination of a person ).

– Whether the offender was caught i.e. exposed or came clean voluntarily.

Some approaches to forgiveness as seen in the Scriptures:

• Forgiveness that ends in total separation.

There is a forgiveness that although is genuine and straight from the heart of the offended to the offender, should end both parties going their separate ways . Separation here doesn’t mean fighting each other or avoiding one another, it means everything that brings you together or make you require each other is either totally taken out of the way or reduced to the barest minimum. This kind of forgiveness might be best when the offence can he likened to treason. Any offence that targets one’s life and the offender is not genuinely repentant should earn this kind of forgiveness. This was the kind of forgiveness God gave Lucifer /Satan. ( Isaiah  14:12 – 19 ). To show that God didn’t begrudge Lucifer / Satan after chasing him from heaven, when they meet they are cordial ( Job 1 : 6-7 ;  Job 2 : 1-2).

• Forgiveness that ends in relating from a distance.

This forgiveness although genuine and heartfelt ends in keeping the  offender at arms lenght.  The offender is moved from being in our inner circle to the outer circle.  Instances that lead to this kind of forgiveness could be total breach of confidentiality,  mismanagement of access to leadership, flagrant disregard of core values etc.  Such an offender might need to be moved to a place where they have less access to classified information that can be used against the offended in the future.  A typical scriptural example was how Adam and Eve were moved from God’s inner circle in the garden of Eden where He checked on them in the cool of the day and they had direct access to Him, to the outside environment.  Genesis  2 : 16 -17 ; Genesis 3 : 9  -12 ;  Genesis 3 : 22-24.

• Forgiveness that ends in the total restoration of the offender.

This is the form of forgiveness where the offender is not only genuinely pardoned,  but are also restored to who they use to be , occupying the position they used to occupy before the fallout occurred.   Instances that attracts this level of Forgiveness is the observation of genuine remorse in the offender and practical commitment to habits, therapy or accountability to forestall  a reoccurrence.  A scriptural example of this is seen in the story of the prodigal son  ( Luke 15 : 11 – 32 )

It should also be noted that forgiveness is not the same as the restoration of lost trust.  Forgiveness can be immediately granted however lost trust will have to be earned back. One right action after another.

To protect yourself going forward, learn from the prior incident that caused you pain.  Ask yourself questions that will bring clarity and help you to put structure in place to make a reoccurrence of such difficulties.  For instance,  how you aided or abetted the wrong deed or person?  It could be that you were too trusting,  you let them get away with other misbehaviours before the major one, you gave them a level of access that their character couldn’t handle.

You can move beyond the pain by praying more in the Spirit ,because the bible calls the Holy Spirit the comforter ,  also by surrounding yourself by those who have successfully survived major pains or betrayals and are thriving.  You can also book a counselling session with an informed clergy or a Professional therapist.

Dr Seun Olabode

Pastor, Professional relationship and marriage coach

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drseunolabode

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSeunOlabode

YouTube: https://youtube.com/@drseunolabode